I needed to know what I was missing. I needed to be sure that I wasn't some potentially great bodybuilder if only I had some chemical assistance. I needed to know what it was like, if only for a brief time, to be superhuman, so big and powerful looking that nobody could look at me and not know instantly that I was a bodybuilder. Now that it's all gone, I do miss it. Not enough to go back on, but more like a married man misses an old girlfriend who was loads of fun sometimes, and unbearable at others. These days I've found that if I tan and stay lean, I look good enough so that I'm never tempted to do another cycle.
Right now, I keep at about 200 pounds and 7% body fat, and still dream of returning to the stage. After 12 contests over eight years, it would be unrealistic for me to say that I was really retired. If I do compete again, it would have to be a natural show. "There's no way I would spend the ludicrous amount of money and risk my health to compete against young fools who will spend every last dime and take anything they can get their hands on, with dreams of Mr. Olympia dancing in their heads." I've got a wife and child, and they will always take precedent.
My journey to the Dark Side was a learning experience. Now that I've seen both sides of the fence, I have a perspective that most natural bodybuilders never get. Never again will I imagine that I'm just a drug stack away from a pro card. Never again will I think gains from drugs last a lifetime. And never again will I think drug users are evil, lazy cheaters who build monstrous physiques with almost zero effort. Drugs are a tool that some use and some do not. They are a personal choice, not a marker of moral character. They aren't a magic bullet, and they don't work as well for some people as they do for others. I don't regret my drug experiment, though I don't intend to repeat it. To those who choose to use
steroids and other drugs to enhance their bodies and take them to a level impossible to reach naturally, I have no objection. To each his own. All I know is that, for me, the Dark Side was like many places I've been to—a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there
Linear Mode
